I was standing at the podium today thinking about my blog and how I didn't feel I was finished yet. I thought to myself, let the day go on and if you come across something "blog-worthy" then write it down. Not even ten minutes after I had this epiphany, I got an entire list, no sarcasm here ladies and gentlemen. Sit back, and read into the eyes of an average theatre employee...
1. No Outside Food or Drink: This little rule has been around since who knows how long, and it's not a very hard rule to follow. If you're going to sneak food or goodies in, please be smart about and at least attempt to hide it in your purse, pockets, coats, and what not. Being a lazy ass hole and just walking up like it's no big automatically has me thinking, wow, this persons a tool. Not to mention there is a sign in front of you as you walk up that simply says "NO OUTSIDE FOOD OR DRINK", simple enough right? Apparently not, as I've had a mother try to bring in an entire meal for six people from Taco Time. Are you kidding me? I know you aren't saving those hot mexi-fries and tacos for after the movie, not to mention we don't even sell anything remotely close to it, so your food will stink up the ENTIRE auditorium.
I also love when people try to argue with me, as if being an asshole will make me change my mind, news flash it makes me hate you and it then becomes my mission to make you throw it away. I love the common excuses such as, "They let me do it before!" or "Um, I JUST bought this!" just so you know, both of those get a look of, do you think I give a fuck? I don't know who let you do it before but I'm not so throw it our, I also don't care if your coffee is piping hot, chug it or throw it out asshole.
2. Get Off Your Phone: When you come up to buy tickets, hand someone your tickets, or buy food at the concessions stand, GET OFF YOUR FUCKING PHONE! Do you know how rude and jack ass you are when you pull this with one of us? Are you fucking for real?! Not to mention you seem annoyed when your not paying attention and we're getting louder on purpose. You are a giant tool and we all hate you, we're trying to do our job which is to serve you, which is hard to do when you're giving us attitude for interrupting your asshole conversation to who the fuck cares. So please do us a favor and get off your phone because I will either ignore you and not talk to you or I will be a giant ass hole just like you and talk louder than you. This goes for blootooth as well.
3. Can I See the Movie Posters: No, you can't. I don't care if you need to see a picture to figure out what the movie is, even though we provide you with a synopsis for each and every movie, with pictures mind you. Maybe you should of done your research and figured out what the fuck you wanted to see before you came into the theatre? Just a thought champ.
Just another hint, if you're asking me a yes or not questions, odds are there's a 50/50 chance I might give you an answer you don't wanna hear, maybe you should prepare yourself for that. Don't act shocked like I just slapped you in the face, be a big kid and do your homework ya tool!
4. How Much: Don't act surprised when you buy your movie tickets, they prices haven't gone up since about three or four years ago. Maybe if you got our more you'd realize this, and you wouldn't harass me about the prices. Yes the matinee is $8.00 and the matinee time changed to four instead of six. Do you know why they did that? So that the matinee price would stay the same, otherwise they would of jacked up the price. Shut the fuck up about how expensive it is, I didn't MAKE you buy that tickets, so you will get NO sympathy from me what-so-ever. I hate you.
5. Can I Have That: Do you know how many times someone comes up to me asking for a poster or standee, even bribing me money? The answer will always be no, and for those tools that say it isn't fair that we get them and you don't? We have to deal with your stupid bull shit all day long so we deserve ass hole. So shut up and go away, we hate you.
6. Can't Find Your Ticket: I can't stand when customers come up to me with panic in their eyes, "I can't find my tickets!" and they empty the entire contents of their purse, wallet, pockets, etc. Did you not think you needed your ticket when you were walking the 20-30ft to get here? Maybe you should be prepared and think, hey we're going to the movies now, maybe I should get my ticket out so I'm not a jack ass. Just a thought.
7. What Movies: "What movies ya got playin' right now?"......are you fucking kidding me? There is a GIANT screen behind me with all of the movies and there show times in RED. Are you really that blind or are you as lazy of a fuck as I think you are. As soon as you say that, we automatically hate you and don't want anything to do with you anymore. Maybe take a second to look at the screen and if you're little brain can't handle all of the words and numbers together then come up and talk to us, but we'll still hate you, always.
8. Walking Past Me: Do you know how many times in a five hour shift someone walks right past me. I am not a Walmart greeter you tool bag, get the fuck over here so I can rip your tickets. "Oh ha ha oopsies" have you honestly NEVER been to the theatre? Pritty sure the routines been the same since who knows how long. The only way you can get away with this is if you've honestly NEVER been to a theatre, even then grab a clue.
9. 3-D Glasses: Sometimes we forget to hand you 3-D glasses or we didn't read your neat little print-at-home ticket. That's our bad, so let us grab them for you, don't be a fucking tool and point at your ticket like we're going blind and demand glasses. That only makes me want to throw them across the lobby and say fetch mother fucker. You'd be surprised how a little courtesy goes a long way, did your parents seriously raise you to be a giant fuck head?
10. Print-At-Home: So the theatre industry has decided to make you all even more lazy by inventing the awesome print-at-home tickets. It's very easy, you all just make it complicated. You pick your movie, the showtime, how many tickets, pay, and then print. Easy right? No. As soon as they print, just fold them in half and bring them in, don't cut them yourself or do anything to them. Just leave them alone, I will do all of that for you so you can enjoy your experience with us. It's not hard, your all just stupid.
Just a few things again that I needed to vent and get off my shoulders. Again this is just me venting, and these are my opinions so don't get all butt hurt, chances are if you get offended you're one of the mentioned ass holes.
I'd also like to give a shout-out to Tommy a fellow co-worker. Today while doing a routine men's check he discovered that someone actually shit on the floor. Are you fucking serious? Was the toilet to main stream for you that you had to shit on the floor. It wasn't a child size poop either unless he was an adult size child, this was a man shit. That disgusts me and is literally the grosses thing ever, grow the fuck up and shit in the toilet like your parents hopefully taught you, fucking jack ass.
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